I don't know whether or not I fully realize how much his existance is missed in my life. Without knowing it I have lost my fervre, and with it my dark awe inspiring hatred for all things mundane. In the moments that led to earth shattering metal grinding on concrete. I was distracted, much as i usually was by the body chemistry which, as usual gripped me unhaltingly.
Atention deficeit HA, I was never diagnosed, neither was my father before me. The OCD tendencies which ruled his life, guided him succesfully through 30 years of military service. For me I react violently to even small ammounts of sugar coarsing through my veins. Without it I feel calm, able to resist mood swings which would prevail unceasingly upon my frame. I feel as if my thinking is slowed. my thoughts are clear, unscattered, instead of 100 ideas racing around in my head, it seems hard to focus on more than one. I lose a part of me, but do I even want that part?
Growing up I would pen up rage at kids calling me Tub of Lard, Fat ass, Steam roller. A fist to the face of an unlucky taunter, followed by another and another, till over them I kneeled triumphantly not realizing as I'm pounding away that i am saying "die, die, die..."
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