the end of the begining.

"darkness, imprissoning me all that I see, absolute horror." as I hung upside-down, glass, broken, wet blocking my right eye. Blood. Stuck, smoke, where? HELPLESS, dizzy, what was I doing? Trapped, what's holding me? tight against my chest and pain thickening inside and out. Unbuckle my seatbelt, fall heavily to the roof of my car. Struggle to get free, out cutting myself repeatedly metal plastic and glass. I don't feel anything only the sound of Mettalica "left me with life in hell." Crawling frantically out battered, bruised, spent
into open air, grass, rubber. Where? Clumsy, stumbling, out farther, Help?
It's afternoon, I remember, I think, So much for my hot date. I had a date. Ow. What was her name? Ow.
Tired, hot unconcious.

past his prime

I don't know whether or not I fully realize how much his existance is missed in my life. Without knowing it I have lost my fervre, and with it my dark awe inspiring hatred for all things mundane. In the moments that led to earth shattering metal grinding on concrete. I was distracted, much as i usually was by the body chemistry which, as usual gripped me unhaltingly.
Atention deficeit HA, I was never diagnosed, neither was my father before me. The OCD tendencies which ruled his life, guided him succesfully through 30 years of military service. For me I react violently to even small ammounts of sugar coarsing through my veins. Without it I feel calm, able to resist mood swings which would prevail unceasingly upon my frame. I feel as if my thinking is slowed. my thoughts are clear, unscattered, instead of 100 ideas racing around in my head, it seems hard to focus on more than one. I lose a part of me, but do I even want that part?
Growing up I would pen up rage at kids calling me Tub of Lard, Fat ass, Steam roller. A fist to the face of an unlucky taunter, followed by another and another, till over them I kneeled triumphantly not realizing as I'm pounding away that i am saying "die, die, die..."